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It's great to be here with a thousand
wonderful people, or as I

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call it, a small intimate dinner with some
friends, or

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as Hillary calls it, her largest crowd of the
season.

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I have no doubt that Hillary is going to
laugh quite a bit tonight, sometimes even

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at an appropriate moment.

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And even tonight, with all of the heated back
and forth between my opponent and

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me at the debate last night. We have proven
that we can actually

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be civil to each other. In fact, just before
taking the dais, Hillary

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accidentally bumped into me, and she very
civilly said, "Pardon me." (

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Laughter.)

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And I very politely replied, "Let me talk to
you about that

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after I get into office." (Laughter.) But one
of

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the things I noticed tonight, and I've known
Hillary for a long time, is this is the first

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time ever, ever, that Hillary is sitting down
and speaking to major corporate

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leaders and not getting paid for it.
(Laughter.) That's true.

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That's true. (Applause.) So, You know, last
night I called

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Hillary a "nasty woman." But this stuff is
all relative.

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After listening to Hillary rattle on and on
and on, I don't think so

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badly of Rosie O'Donnell anymore. (Laughter.)
In fact, I'm actually

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starting to like Rosie a lot. (laughter)
These

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events give not only the candidates a chance
to be each other in a very social

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setting, it also allows the candidates the
opportunity to meet the other candidates -...

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I know Hillary met my campaign manager, and I
got the chance to meet the people who are

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working so hard to get her elected. There
they are,

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the heads of NBC, CNN, CBS, ABC. There's the

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New York Times right over there, and the
Washington Post.

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They're working overtime. True. True. Oh,
this

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one's going to get me in trouble. Not with
Hillary.

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You know, the President told me to stop
whining.

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But I really have to say, the media is even
more biased this year than ever before, ever.

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You want the proof? Michelle Obama gives a
speech, and everyone loves it.

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It's fantastic. They think she's absolutely
great. My wife, Mel

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ania gives the exact same speech. And people
get on her case

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. And I don't get it. I don't know why.

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And it wasn't her fault. Stand up Melania,
come on.

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She took a lot of abuse. I'm in trouble when

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I go home tonight. She didn't know about that
one.

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Am I okay? Is it okay? Cardinal, please speak
to her.

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I'd like to address an important religious
matter. The issue

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of going to confession. Or as Hillary calls
it, the fourth of July

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weekend with FBI Director Comey. (Laughter.)
Now,

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I'm told Hillary went to confession before
tonight's event.

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But the priest was having a hard time when he
asked her about her sins, and she

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said she couldn't remember 39 times.
(Laughter.) Hillary

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is so corrupt. She got kicked off the
Watergate Commission.

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How corrupt you have to be to get kicked off
the Watergate Commission.

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Pretty corrupt. Hillary is and has been in
politics since the '70s.

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What's her pitch? The economy has busted. The
government's corrupt.

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Washington is failing. Vote for me. I've been
working on these problems for 30 years.

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I can fix it, she says. I wasn't really sure
if Hillary was going to be here tonight.

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Because I guess you didn't send her
invitation by email.

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Or maybe you did, and she just found out
about it, through the wonder of WikiLeaks.

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We've learned so much from WikiLeaks. For
example, Hillary believes that it's vital ...

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the people by having one public policy, and a
totally different policy in private.

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That's okay. I don't know who they're angry
at, Hillary.

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You're right. For example, here she is
tonight in public pretending

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not to hate Catholics. Now, if some of you
haven't noticed

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, Hillary isn't laughing as much as the rest
of us.

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That's because she knows the jokes, and all
of the jokes were

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given to her in advance of the dinner by
Donna Brasile,

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which is -- everyone knows, of course,
Hillary's belief that it takes

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a village, which only makes sense after all
in places like Haiti, she's

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taken a number of them. Thank you.

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I don't know. And I don't want this evening

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without saying something nice about my
opponent. Hillary has been in Washington a...

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She knows a lot about how government works.
And according to her sworn testimony, Hill...

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more things than most of us will ever ever
know. That I can tell you.

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(upbeat music)