1 00:00:11,080 --> 00:00:18,839 organization that brings yoga into prisons. I'm also a survivor of child sex trafficking. 2 00:00:18,839 --> 00:00:29,600 I was raised in Belgium and sold into a murderous pedophile network right around m... 3 00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:52,159 club were there for various reasons, but there was a lot of alcohol, a lot of drugs... 4 00:01:03,640 --> 00:01:14,480 mostly. But there were a number of aristocrats that were part of this club wh... 5 00:01:25,719 --> 00:01:32,920 because someone who had protected me for a while and then abused me really badly was 6 00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:26,400 live. And I was going to be forgotten as well. And I wasn't ready to die. Someone f... 7 00:02:40,319 --> 00:02:53,479 for five years and a half. In that time, I was raped many, many, many times. I don't 8 00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:18,879 And so I gathered that I was raped, actually raped, for about six hours a week, 1,716 9 00:03:34,199 --> 00:03:41,520 who rescued me, that kept me out of prostitution, kept me away from drugs, led... 10 00:03:54,680 --> 00:04:05,479 projected upon so much as a sexual object that I attracted men. And part of me neede... 11 00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:26,199 and so used. And yet everyone was so ready to put the blame with me for being promiscuous, 12 00:04:38,439 --> 00:04:50,240 And then as I was healing, I realized, no, I have to break out of this pattern that I'm 13 00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:08,120 let me become a liberated woman. And so I worked for decades and decades, feeling in... 14 00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:16,519 pain of what was done to me, all the betrayal of being sold by my parents. Children are ... 15 00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:38,839 where children will have a community around them. Every child deserves safety, no chil... 16 00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:58,399 system is right now, that is part of the system. As women, we have so much potentia... 17 00:05:58,399 --> 00:06:08,120 empowered by feeling into everything that we as women endure. That gives us more streng... 18 00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:28,120 done to me. Really understanding that it wasn't me, that at the end of the day, I a... 19 00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:31,839 child. I was being victimized. It wasn't my fault. 20 00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:47,680 I was in a video by real women, real stories not long ago that traveled all around the 21 00:06:47,680 --> 00:06:56,680 shared my story for the first time publicly. I shared about being sold into sex 22 00:06:56,680 --> 00:07:07,360 age of six. I shared about rape and torture that I experienced in a pedophile network 23 00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:25,959 hundreds of comments. There have been thousands of comments as the video was 24 00:07:25,959 --> 00:07:34,240 picked up by other sites. I was also approached by some people who are able to 25 00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:53,079 country of the person that I knew they were from, which was not in Belgium, politician... 26 00:07:53,079 --> 00:08:01,680 and the person just popped up right away. It was amazing. I had no idea that I was deal... 27 00:08:10,639 --> 00:08:18,120 and that they were actually very visible. Now, I can tell you that I went through a 28 00:08:18,120 --> 00:08:26,720 been going through hundreds of times since I've started my healing process over 30 ye... 29 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:47,879 video, just made the memory that I had of the incident so vivid and real. I had to deal 30 00:08:47,879 --> 00:08:57,799 more with the reality of that rape. I was 10 years old and it was a month before my 11t... 31 00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:13,320 birthday was important. So it was in March of 1974. One of the places where I was abused, 32 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:24,120 it was not an orgy where I was sometimes taken and brought in late and then I was j... 33 00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:39,279 would just have to go straight to a small room and in that room there was dirty 34 00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:47,759 would just be there and wait for the men to come. I was always convinced that the next 35 00:09:54,480 --> 00:10:02,039 really didn't look a day older. I was very small. I was completely undeveloped. I 36 00:10:02,039 --> 00:10:09,519 particularly well because I had actually been protected for about six months and so I'd 37 00:10:24,759 --> 00:10:33,759 me to death. He looked like a gorilla and he was very gruff and I thought again, you know, 38 00:10:33,759 --> 00:10:38,320 he's going to say, "This is a child. I'm not going to do this," but instead he got angr... 39 00:10:46,679 --> 00:10:56,639 take off my clothes and I remember as I was trying to take off my t-shirt, I got stuck 40 00:10:56,639 --> 00:11:04,240 suddenly I was in this space where I somehow thought I was going to be killed and I 41 00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:26,360 and by that time I had gone into what I call my sane personality that I felt guilty tha... 42 00:11:34,919 --> 00:11:45,279 to survive. I tuned in to the man and I saw in his face, in his lips specifically, 43 00:11:57,519 --> 00:12:06,879 and I saw this silly thing, this vulnerability in this man and so I honed i... 44 00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:30,279 they needed to be loved in a way that they hadn't been and I tuned in to their need a... 45 00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:51,639 particular case, I went to a lamp that was there and my consciousness was now on the 46 00:12:51,639 --> 00:12:58,159 lamp which was woven and beige and the light was shining from within and it was as if I 47 00:13:05,279 --> 00:13:13,120 and I didn't feel anything, I was just with that fiber of the lampshade but then when ... 48 00:13:13,120 --> 00:13:20,080 to have an orgasm I had to come back in my body because this was always the scariest 49 00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:27,559 I knew that at any moment those men could decide to kill me and I never knew what, w... 50 00:13:39,679 --> 00:13:44,279 I would feel the revulsion because he was 51 00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:49,120 revulsion because he was gone he was not present at all and he was having some 52 00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:57,840 kind of a release of something and I was watching it and I was just cold I was 53 00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:19,200 that man and afterwards he acted happy he clearly was satisfied and he was 54 00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:22,680 trying to speak to me in a foreign language trying to make conversation 55 00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:47,000 shot for not acting like everything was okay after being raped and so I took a 56 00:14:59,759 --> 00:15:04,240 very important because I know he's just kind of silly and he's okay with this 57 00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:09,320 he's not doing anything he's not gonna do anything to me so it was a great 58 00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:32,920 to allow that part that was shut out of my body during that raid to allow that 59 00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:51,080 question that many people in their comments ask how is it possible why why 60 00:15:51,080 --> 00:16:00,759 with this man who has everything on the surface what want to engage in these 61 00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:20,920 anger I was so furious that someone who does on the surface have everything 62 00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:27,000 would allow himself to do this and I was more aware of myself as just a 10-year-old 63 00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:38,280 10 I just saw myself as this little girl and this man not stopping himself and 64 00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:43,519 I was furious and I got to this place of I want revenge I want to kill this man 65 00:16:43,519 --> 00:16:48,800 he's been dead for more than 10 years but I wanted to just have that feeling of 66 00:16:57,680 --> 00:17:14,920 guess I reached a point of acceptance grief grief for the girl and feeling the 67 00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:35,559 and expansion of consciousness and increased love for all beings the 68 00:17:35,559 --> 00:17:43,920 comments that were posted about the first video that came out where there were 69 00:17:49,039 --> 00:17:55,360 they were varied in levels of awareness and these levels of awareness 70 00:17:55,360 --> 00:18:01,880 correspond with the very process that we go through when we are healing from 71 00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:09,360 trauma there's first there's the shock and the disbelief an overwhelming amount 72 00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:23,559 shock and this is reaction to trauma it's also reaction to this news that 73 00:18:23,559 --> 00:18:31,320 world leaders are engaging in these extremely dark acts and then the second 74 00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:45,680 different people but then there's the stage of anger just very important and 75 00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:54,360 necessary to feel the anger of what was done to me personally and then to feel 76 00:19:02,279 --> 00:19:07,200 responsibility where it belongs so it's a very important part of the process of 77 00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:15,240 healing and that includes fantasies of revenge and just wanting to do the same 78 00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:22,880 and worse to the perpetrator so that is also part of the process and you know 79 00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:36,079 trauma then we don't have to go and put unconscious revenge out on people that 80 00:19:36,079 --> 00:19:43,279 you know are around us or maybe people in the world as we are power addicted and 81 00:19:55,200 --> 00:20:06,440 child felt the powerlessness and reality of this moment that is very heavy heavy 82 00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:23,279 process and I've been in this kind of part of the process anywhere for these 83 00:20:23,279 --> 00:20:31,099 last 30 years so carried a lot of grief cared a lot of pain it's very heavy it's 84 00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:43,480 into the pain from the past especially with sexual abuse it's really very 85 00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:49,720 difficult to live in the world and then also heal from sexual abuse and then the 86 00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:59,120 last part is there's something that happens that is a part of ourselves an 87 00:21:04,039 --> 00:21:08,980 because it wasn't we weren't able to process in the moment is integrated into 88 00:21:08,980 --> 00:21:12,300 our consciousness and when this integration happens through these 89 00:21:12,300 --> 00:21:23,860 various steps it's magic and we just feel the expansion we feel more whole we 90 00:21:23,860 --> 00:21:27,140 are able to see the world with different eyes the world responds to us 91 00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:42,200 to love and to empathize with others and that is the process so before the 92 00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:48,279 process begins there's aggression and attacks and there's pretty much when you 93 00:21:48,279 --> 00:21:51,559 look at the world today that's pretty much what we've got is this aggression 94 00:22:02,500 --> 00:22:11,380 ourselves and through ourselves and awareness of our own pain and all the 95 00:22:11,380 --> 00:22:21,099 feelings we expand our consciousness and then are able to love and desire for 96 00:22:31,099 --> 00:22:36,340 the world though is very easy to do when you're not in any kind of emotional 97 00:22:36,340 --> 00:22:43,420 process because you're not bogged down by feeling feeling empathy or feeling you 98 00:22:43,420 --> 00:22:47,960 know scruples you can just walk over bodies and you can just make it to the 99 00:22:56,019 --> 00:23:02,740 experienced and you courageously look at the ways in which you were hurt by maybe 100 00:23:02,740 --> 00:23:08,300 the people you love the most once you enter that process life becomes very 101 00:23:08,300 --> 00:23:17,619 very difficult repetition of trauma just happens continually you know life 102 00:23:26,759 --> 00:23:33,519 questioned myself at every tiny little thing every tiny little interaction that 103 00:23:33,519 --> 00:23:38,160 I had with a person I had to question a million times because I always thought I 104 00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:46,079 must have done something wrong my guilt complex was so great it was just all 105 00:23:55,860 --> 00:24:02,140 some part of my trauma story and getting into situations with people where 106 00:24:02,140 --> 00:24:08,259 there would be an emotional charge and that was really belonging to the past 107 00:24:08,259 --> 00:24:13,500 and life is very difficult survival is very difficult to manage when you're 108 00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:35,519 the only way out is through I know that it's easy to to say well politicians are 109 00:24:35,519 --> 00:24:41,360 all corrupt but then it's a little bit harder to think that a politician who's 110 00:24:46,500 --> 00:24:50,820 line we say no that I can't believe because if they're doing that I think 111 00:24:50,820 --> 00:24:56,480 everyone has to go through the process that I just described because it's 112 00:24:56,480 --> 00:25:01,700 personal it's part it's a personal betrayal for everyone if that's what our 113 00:25:01,700 --> 00:25:08,259 world leaders are doing well it's really no wonder that the world looks like what 114 00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:18,099 and poverty in the world and that the resources of the world are being hoarded 115 00:25:18,099 --> 00:25:26,900 by a few but that this is an addiction that this is an addiction that any 116 00:25:26,900 --> 00:25:31,519 junkie that you find on the street that has to shoot up and will do anything to 117 00:25:38,220 --> 00:25:44,820 brain and intellects and it makes them all the more dangerous to the world that 118 00:25:44,820 --> 00:25:50,259 is an addiction to power it's an addiction that I know everything about 119 00:25:50,259 --> 00:25:56,780 because I was really badly abused I know what it's like to feel silly and to be 120 00:26:02,840 --> 00:26:09,200 with something from the outside some status something that I can that gives 121 00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:13,000 me importance from the outside sometimes that something that gives me that that 122 00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:18,440 robe that invisible robe of power that everyone is just going to look up to me 123 00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:24,280 I wish you know sometimes I wish it seems like the easy way out on a personal 124 00:26:31,380 --> 00:26:37,820 would never want that I never chose for it and that's why I went into the 125 00:26:37,820 --> 00:26:44,420 healing which is away from power towards truth and unfortunately we're always 126 00:26:44,420 --> 00:26:48,340 going in one direction or the other direction there's kind of no place in 127 00:26:48,340 --> 00:26:52,259 between we're either doing the right thing or we're doing something that goes 128 00:26:58,800 --> 00:27:07,019 world of power would not advise me to name names because I don't want to 129 00:27:07,019 --> 00:27:13,640 compromise myself in any way I don't want to be open myself up to litigation 130 00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:21,759 from the families and I should say that all my perpetrators are dead and that my 131 00:27:21,759 --> 00:27:25,640 naming names today wouldn't make any difference, it wouldn't save a single 132 00:27:25,640 --> 00:27:32,400 child. It's a noble idea to name names to save children but my safety has to come 133 00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:39,759 first because I have to do my work. But wanting to name names, wanting me to name 134 00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:55,180 feeling of revenge that I was talking about, revenge, the desire for revenge 135 00:27:55,180 --> 00:28:01,000 when confronted with this darkness and this horror. Of course we want revenge, 136 00:28:01,000 --> 00:28:08,160 of course we want to do something, we want to take some action before really 137 00:28:18,420 --> 00:28:22,120 of work to be done. We're just at the very beginning of this change, it's the 138 00:28:22,120 --> 00:28:29,640 very beginning where people are really understanding that this darkness, it's 139 00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:36,680 really here, you know. There's so much hypocrisy, so many lies and what lies 140 00:28:40,759 --> 00:28:50,600 at. That's the people we've given our power to. Having the courage to go into 141 00:28:50,600 --> 00:28:59,040 the most painful moments of our lives and to feel again how vulnerable we were 142 00:28:59,040 --> 00:29:05,720 and to feel again the fear that we're going to be abused in that moment, that 143 00:29:38,260 --> 00:29:42,380 carried all the projections that the men had placed on me in order to do what 144 00:29:42,380 --> 00:29:50,420 they did. If they had seen me as a human being deserving of love and respect, they 145 00:29:57,880 --> 00:30:05,720 burden. I am 53 years old now and I have spent all of my adult life trying to heal 146 00:30:05,720 --> 00:30:14,539 from these deep, deep wounds from the past. And as a woman, I can say very 147 00:30:22,019 --> 00:30:33,820 understanding, and love except for those few sweet, brave women, therapists, 148 00:30:33,820 --> 00:30:41,019 female mentors who were there and were able to give me that unconditional love 149 00:30:49,019 --> 00:30:54,180 place where I felt that I was worth anything, that I was worthy of living, 150 00:30:54,180 --> 00:31:03,019 fighting the depression of feeling that I'm worthless and there's no reason for 151 00:31:12,220 --> 00:31:19,420 taking on other people's baggage from being abused so much. The psychic torture 152 00:31:19,420 --> 00:31:28,580 of the rapes was perhaps the worst and as an adult, no one noticed. We live in a 153 00:31:38,900 --> 00:31:46,019 as a sexual object again and again and again. I thought if I just heal myself 154 00:31:46,019 --> 00:31:53,019 enough, I'm going to finally be able to be free of this, be out of this cycle 155 00:32:00,580 --> 00:32:07,420 place. I actually got to a point in my healing where I realized that I'm worthy 156 00:32:07,420 --> 00:32:15,780 and I actually know that the beginning of self-esteem was right there, that I 157 00:32:24,600 --> 00:32:30,019 thought now I'm never going to be harassed again because I am not putting 158 00:32:30,019 --> 00:32:36,780 myself out as an object so I'm not in this dynamic anymore but I was so wrong. 159 00:32:36,780 --> 00:32:45,300 Women get harassed all the time. I can't leave my house today without risking 160 00:32:52,700 --> 00:32:59,720 woman goes through it. That's what the rape culture has done to all the girls 161 00:32:59,720 --> 00:33:07,860 and the young women that may perhaps be caught in this life. I just want you to 162 00:33:15,880 --> 00:33:23,220 You are tremendously strong and brave and there are resources today. I don't know 163 00:33:23,220 --> 00:33:29,560 where you may be but if you have access to a computer, if you have access to a 164 00:33:29,560 --> 00:33:34,740 telephone, there are places that you can call and there are places that you can 165 00:33:42,660 --> 00:33:50,100 you're innocent, and no matter what you do, no matter what has been done to you, 166 00:33:50,100 --> 00:33:58,460 you are beautiful and you are eternally innocent and good. 167 00:34:11,659 --> 00:34:20,820 is due to that particular process that takes a person to that most vulnerable 168 00:34:20,820 --> 00:34:32,260 self and then with love and compassion of perhaps a witness or the safe adult 169 00:34:41,340 --> 00:34:51,059 in time by the abuse, the emotional growth stunted by the abuse and loosen 170 00:34:51,059 --> 00:34:58,460 that and break through the shame and give that young child that we once were 171 00:35:05,579 --> 00:35:15,420 integration of the self and emotional maturity. I am a mother so I have had to 172 00:35:15,420 --> 00:35:27,740 call on my adult self many times. I have had to dig inside myself to become a 173 00:35:34,579 --> 00:35:41,500 really deep into the pain because I knew that I wasn't going to be able to be 174 00:35:41,500 --> 00:35:48,420 there for her sufficiently unless I was really able to get that healing. My 175 00:35:48,420 --> 00:35:56,579 mother was not a mother, she was too sick. She was the ultimate product of the 176 00:36:04,680 --> 00:36:12,980 and all the anger from her, former abuse and enduring abuse, she just put it all 177 00:36:12,980 --> 00:36:19,380 with me because she had power over me. That's not a mother. I think mothers 178 00:36:27,180 --> 00:36:33,619 responsible, what it means to be emotionally mature and ultimately that 179 00:36:33,619 --> 00:36:40,100 is the compassion and the love that is needed to change the world and the way 180 00:36:40,100 --> 00:36:47,100 to that love and compassion is to look at ourselves and accept ourselves as we 181 00:36:53,100 --> 00:37:03,100 abuse, to go back to the pain rather than to try to avoid the pain by a variety of 182 00:37:03,100 --> 00:37:10,780 addictions that are readily available and very much encouraged in this society. 183 00:37:17,380 --> 00:37:22,619 they're the biggest power addicts and as we go down the ladder everyone is 184 00:37:22,619 --> 00:37:28,380 somehow caught in that paradigm. You're either at the bottom when you're perhaps 185 00:37:28,380 --> 00:37:34,900 a prisoner or poor and so those are the people that this capitalist system is 186 00:37:41,380 --> 00:37:47,619 middle who is just trying to either go up or is having trouble reaching down and 187 00:37:47,619 --> 00:37:54,740 being compassionate so we want to remove the ladder. We just want to change the 188 00:37:54,740 --> 00:38:01,579 paradigm all together and as women especially we have the ability to tap 189 00:38:09,619 --> 00:38:15,380 more in touch with our feelings and from that place I think we can make a real 190 00:38:15,380 --> 00:38:17,820 difference.