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Good to be back.

2
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I fell back in love with stand-up on my last tour, Humanity.

3
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I played arenas around the world.

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Netflix bought it for a record amount.

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It was the most-watched special of the year.

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I thought, everyone loves me now.

7
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Everyone loves me now.

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Then I got this tweet.

9
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Real tweet.

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Call yourself a comedian?

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He knows I do.

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It literally says the word in my Twitter bio.

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Call yourself a comedian?

14
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You're about as funny as...

15
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Now, I thought he was going to go for the jugular and say Miranda.

16
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Come on.

17
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Come on, guys.

18
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Don't...

19
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I'm joking.

20
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Right.

21
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Call yourself a comedian?

22
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You're about as funny as a fart at a baby's funeral.

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He was trying to hurt my feelings.

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But his big mistake was choosing something that would be fucking hilarious.

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As if that were a fart at a baby's funeral.

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Big echoey church.

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Everyone just silently sobbing like that.

28
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Tiny little coffin.

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Tiny little coffin.

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And someone farts.

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You laugh.

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Even if it was your baby.

33
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You know?

34
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No.

35
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If you're at the funeral, it's been dead a week.

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Do you know what I mean?

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You're probably up for a giggle.

38
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Particularly if you're the father.

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If you're the mother, you probably still find it artsy in the funny side of things.

40
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Oh, women.

41
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Not all women.

42
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I mean the old-fashioned ones.

43
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You know?

44
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The old-fashioned women.

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Oh, God.

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You know, the ones with wombs.

47
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Oh.

48
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Those fucking dinosaurs.

49
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Oh.

50
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No, I love the new women.

51
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I know the new women.

52
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They're great, aren't they?

53
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You know, the new ones we've been seeing lately.

54
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The ones with beards and cocks.

55
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They're as good as...

56
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They're as good as gold.

57
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I love them.

58
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No, it's the old-fashioned women.

59
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And now the old-fashioned women.

60
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They're like, oh, they want to use our toilets.

61
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Why shouldn't they use your toilets?

62
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For ladies.

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They are ladies.

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Look at their pronouns.

65
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What about this person that isn't a lady?

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Well, his penis.

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Her penis, you fucking bigot.

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What if he rapes me?

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What if she rapes you?

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You fucking turf whore.

71
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There's a new type of comedy at the moment called woke comedy, right?

72
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No, it's very progressive, you know.

73
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There are some clubs now where the comedian has to sign a thing saying he won't say anything contentious

74
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or he won't say anything that could offend anyone.

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It's a safe space for the audience.

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Woke comedy.

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And I tried to watch a bit of it and I decided I'd rather watch Louis C.K. masturbate.

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Can't mention him anymore.

79
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He's cancelled.

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Not enough to apologise and move on.

81
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You've got to...

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Like poor Kevin Hart.

83
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See, Kevin Hart, he got the job hosting the Oscars.

84
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It was his best day ever.

85
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He was on Twitter going, oh, I've wanted to do this all my life, right?

86
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And then someone found these 10-year-old tweets, right?

87
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They were sort of childish, sort of shitty homophobic tweets.

88
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It was about his son.

89
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He was mucking around.

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He said, oh, my son's doing so-and-so.

91
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I hope he's not gay.

92
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There was a massive backlash.

93
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He went, oh, sorry.

94
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That sounded...

95
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I'm not homophobic.

96
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Really sorry.

97
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He deleted them, right?

98
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And said, I'm really sorry.

99
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10 years later, someone finds a screen grab and goes, look, he's done this.

100
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Oh, big...

101
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And the Oscars go, oh, you've got to apologise again.

102
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He went, no, I've apologised.

103
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I can't keep apologising.

104
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And he's right.

105
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If there's no value to saying sorry and evolving, he might as well just tweet him again.

106
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That's how I deal with shit.

107
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Anyway.

108
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Liam Neeson.

109
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Oh.

110
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He nearly got cancelled, didn't he?

111
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Liam Neeson.

112
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Now, I don't know why he told this story, but he did, at a press junket, to a journalist,

113
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right?

114
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And it was where he just started saying, it was 30 years ago, he said, and my friend

115
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came home and she'd been raped, right?

116
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And that's not the funny bit.

117
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He said, she'd been raped.

118
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I said, what did the guy look like?

119
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He said he was a black guy.

120
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He said, so I got my cosh and I went out looking for the first black guy.

121
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He said, nothing happened.

122
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I came to my senses, right?

123
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But the weird thing about that story is, who has a cosh?

124
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But it was touch and go.

125
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They cancelled the premiere that night because of the backlash and that people wanted the

126
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film to be deleted.

127
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And I get it.

128
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Some people can't separate the art form with the artist's personal life.

129
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Now, I know Liam.

130
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I've worked with him.

131
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He's a lovely man.

132
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He's definitely not racist.

133
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But when that broke, even I was like, oh, will I ever be able to find Schindler's List

134
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funny again?

135
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I do still find it funny, obviously.

136
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But these people are virtue signaling.

137
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They're trying to bring people down to raise their own status.

138
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And they say it's because, no, we're protecting minorities.

139
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Like, they're basically saying minorities haven't got a sense of humor, which is so patronizing.

140
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And I get that as well, what it's like to be outnumbered.

141
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In this country, we're still only 5% black, 5% Asian, 5% LGBTQ, you know, tiny numbers.

142
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Now, I'm a white, heterosexual, multimillionaire, right?

143
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There's less than 1% of us.

144
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Do I whine?

145
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No.

146
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I don't mind.

147
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I just get on with it.

148
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Come on, Rick.

149
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Come on, Rick.

150
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Just keep...

151
00:06:30,860 --> 00:06:32,600
I'm like Rosa Parks.

152
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Do you know what I mean?

153
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:34,920
I'm like...

154
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Except I fought for the right to never have to take a seat on a bus.

155
00:06:38,020 --> 00:06:49,780
But even though we know the chances of us existing at all are astronomical, and our life is so

156
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short, we waste so much of it worrying about stuff, worrying about things that might never

157
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happen, worrying about things that won't matter in a week, let alone a year or 10 years.

158
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I'm terrible.

159
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I worry.

160
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I'm a worrier.

161
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I lay awake at night thinking, oh, what if, what if, what, and all that.

162
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And I hate being stressed, so I try and rule stress out of my life, which is really stressful.

163
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Because I have to have a plan A and a plan B, a plan C, and if I do all my work, I'm at home,

164
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I go, right, militant, no work, just relax, right?

165
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Just a glass of wine, just relax, right?

166
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If someone comes through the door, I'm like, what the fuck's that, right?

167
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It's usually money.

168
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Right?

169
00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:29,620
If a cat was big enough, it would kill you and eat you, right?

170
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They're the opposite to dogs, right?

171
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Yeah, this sums up the difference between cats and dogs once and for all, right?

172
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The cat has got a barbed penis.

173
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True.

174
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Google it.

175
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Careful.

176
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Right?

177
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But a barbed penis.

178
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Right?

179
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Two reasons.

180
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One, it holds the female in place during mating, so it slides in easy, and it goes, oh, run?

181
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Oh, you can't.

182
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LAUGHTER

183
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And two, when it withdraws, that pain causes the female to ovulate.

184
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Think of a different way, mate.

185
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That makes you think maybe there is a God, because, I mean, maybe he did cats and dogs,

186
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because he went, boom, there you go, cats and dogs, you're ballpark, furry mammals, you live at home.

187
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It's a good gig.

188
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You get fed.

189
00:08:14,900 --> 00:08:18,580
What sort of penis were you hoping for?

190
00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:18,980
Dog.

191
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Doesn't matter.

192
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Whatever you get, it'd be the best penis ever.

193
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Whatever you get.

194
00:08:22,700 --> 00:08:24,980
Just some of it that matches my onesie.

195
00:08:25,120 --> 00:08:26,680
Just a little, uh...

196
00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:28,880
Maybe a little furry mound.

197
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Some of it lady dogs would like.

198
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A little furry mound with a little pink lipstick in it.

199
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LAUGHTER

200
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Furry lipstick, good choice.

201
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LAUGHTER

202
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Cat, give me a fuckstalk with hooks.

203
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LAUGHTER

204
00:08:44,740 --> 00:08:53,780
And people say to me, you spoil that cat.

205
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I go, yeah, I do.

206
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It's a cat.

207
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It's not a person.

208
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What's the worst that can happen if you spoil a cat?

209
00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:00,560
Do you know what I mean?

210
00:09:00,740 --> 00:09:03,440
It doesn't grow up to be fucking Boris Johnson.

211
00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:04,400
It is...

212
00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:05,240
LAUGHTER

213
00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:07,460
No, I don't get political.

214
00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:10,480
Although, he is out of his depth.

215
00:09:10,820 --> 00:09:11,200
LAUGHTER

216
00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:17,660
I mean, he started off by saying women in burkas look like post boxes.

217
00:09:17,660 --> 00:09:22,460
Now, it's not up to Boris Johnson what a Muslim woman wears on her face.

218
00:09:22,660 --> 00:09:23,520
It's up to her husband.

219
00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:25,520
LAUGHTER

220
00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:27,520
Not...

221
00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:31,320
Not my rules.

222
00:09:31,540 --> 00:09:32,280
Not my rules.

223
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:33,280
LAUGHTER

224
00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:38,260
Although, that's not as good as it was, is it, AIDS?

225
00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:41,060
No, seriously, it's like, all diseases let you down.

226
00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:42,100
But that was...

227
00:09:42,100 --> 00:09:45,460
I mean, in its heyday, it was fucking amazing, wasn't it, AIDS?

228
00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:48,180
Coronavirus, fuck off.

229
00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:48,920
I couldn't...

230
00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:51,240
I couldn't hold a candle to AIDS.

231
00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:52,240
LAUGHTER

232
00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:54,740
Like, in the 80s, two blokes talk, and it would be,

233
00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:56,200
oh, you suck my cock.

234
00:09:56,300 --> 00:09:57,760
Fuck off, you've got AIDS, I'd die.

235
00:09:58,340 --> 00:10:01,040
Now it's like, I'll give it here, I'll take pills for the rest of my life.

236
00:10:01,100 --> 00:10:01,400
Do you know what I mean?

237
00:10:01,420 --> 00:10:02,240
There's no...

238
00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:03,240
LAUGHTER

239
00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:04,240
LAUGHTER

240
00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:08,560
But the bigots jumped on it in the 80s,

241
00:10:08,700 --> 00:10:10,620
you know, the Christian right...

242
00:10:10,620 --> 00:10:12,620
Well, all fundamentalists, actually, are going,

243
00:10:12,780 --> 00:10:15,240
this is God's wrath, this is God's punishment for homosexuality.

244
00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:17,220
Imagine thinking that.

245
00:10:17,220 --> 00:10:20,920
What are you imagining in your head, right, to think that's true?

246
00:10:21,100 --> 00:10:22,760
So, you think God's in heaven, do you?

247
00:10:22,980 --> 00:10:24,920
And he's looking down on civilisation,

248
00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:26,060
and he suddenly goes,

249
00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:27,420
I'm sick of all this bumming.

250
00:10:28,220 --> 00:10:28,740
LAUGHTER

251
00:10:28,740 --> 00:10:30,980
I mean, what the...

252
00:10:30,980 --> 00:10:33,100
Oh, come on, lads, what's going...

253
00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:33,440
What?

254
00:10:34,820 --> 00:10:36,080
Oh, look at...

255
00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:37,880
I've warned them, it's in the Bible.

256
00:10:38,260 --> 00:10:40,320
No bumming, not in those words.

257
00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:41,320
LAUGHTER

258
00:10:41,320 --> 00:10:42,920
Leviticus, 2811.

259
00:10:42,920 --> 00:10:45,280
Any man who lieth with another man, as he doth a woman,

260
00:10:45,380 --> 00:10:47,720
they are both an abomination and shall surely be put to death.

261
00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:49,280
Basically, no bumming, right?

262
00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:50,640
LAUGHTER

263
00:10:50,640 --> 00:10:52,880
I want you to kill homosexuals.

264
00:10:53,220 --> 00:10:53,860
Why?

265
00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:56,520
Because I don't like watching them.

266
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LAUGHTER

267
00:10:57,660 --> 00:10:59,100
Don't watch them, then.

268
00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:03,240
I've got no choice, I'm omnipresent, so...

269
00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:06,500
I'm watching 50 million people bumming right now.

270
00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:07,500
LAUGHTER

271
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:09,660
So, you know...

272
00:11:09,660 --> 00:11:12,300
Right, don't worry, I'm going to put you down on Earth.

273
00:11:12,300 --> 00:11:12,900
Where?

274
00:11:14,100 --> 00:11:15,140
Uh, Africa.

275
00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:16,060
Right.

276
00:11:18,100 --> 00:11:18,580
LAUGHTER

277
00:11:18,580 --> 00:11:19,220
LAUGHTER

278
00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:22,940
Why Africa?

279
00:11:23,980 --> 00:11:25,120
They're dying anyway.

280
00:11:25,820 --> 00:11:26,300
LAUGHTER

281
00:11:26,300 --> 00:11:28,440
That's not me saying that, is it?

282
00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:29,060
That's God.

283
00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:30,400
That's God saying that.

284
00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:31,400
LAUGHTER

285
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:32,400
LAUGHTER

286
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:33,400
LAUGHTER

287
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:37,080
Where, where in Africa?

288
00:11:37,420 --> 00:11:39,900
Oh, just in an arse, right?

289
00:11:39,940 --> 00:11:40,780
I'm going to put you in...

290
00:11:40,780 --> 00:11:41,780
LAUGHTER

291
00:11:41,780 --> 00:11:43,660
I'm going to...

292
00:11:43,660 --> 00:11:44,760
What, in all the shit?

293
00:11:44,860 --> 00:11:45,240
Yes.

294
00:11:45,560 --> 00:11:45,960
Yes.

295
00:11:46,380 --> 00:11:47,620
I'm going to put you in an arse, right?

296
00:11:47,700 --> 00:11:49,660
That is where you're going to do a lot of your best work,

297
00:11:49,740 --> 00:11:51,180
through the 1980s.

298
00:11:51,180 --> 00:11:51,780
LAUGHTER

299
00:11:51,780 --> 00:11:53,180
Right?

300
00:11:53,500 --> 00:11:55,400
So I'm going to cram you in an arse, right?

301
00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:55,880
Right?

302
00:11:56,240 --> 00:11:56,860
Then what?

303
00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:57,160
Right.

304
00:11:57,540 --> 00:11:58,680
If a cock comes in,

305
00:11:58,860 --> 00:12:00,500
that shouldn't be there, right?

306
00:12:00,500 --> 00:12:01,220
LAUGHTER

307
00:12:01,220 --> 00:12:02,800
Get in the cock, as well.

308
00:12:03,060 --> 00:12:03,560
LAUGHTER

309
00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:04,560
What all of us know...

310
00:12:04,560 --> 00:12:05,340
LAUGHTER

311
00:12:05,340 --> 00:12:07,160
Some of you get in the cock,

312
00:12:07,420 --> 00:12:08,900
some of you stay in the arse,

313
00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:11,660
in case another cock comes along.

314
00:12:12,660 --> 00:12:13,900
And if I know this arse,

315
00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:15,140
there will be another cock.

316
00:12:15,220 --> 00:12:16,220
LAUGHTER

317
00:12:16,220 --> 00:12:17,220
LAUGHTER

318
00:12:17,220 --> 00:12:22,560
So, some of us get in the cock,

319
00:12:22,720 --> 00:12:23,800
some of us stay in the arse.

320
00:12:24,060 --> 00:12:24,240
Yeah.

321
00:12:24,580 --> 00:12:25,060
Then what?

322
00:12:25,560 --> 00:12:26,260
Kill them both.

323
00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:26,860
Right?

324
00:12:27,100 --> 00:12:27,600
LAUGHTER

325
00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:29,940
So, kill all homosexuals.

326
00:12:30,100 --> 00:12:30,340
Exactly.

327
00:12:31,020 --> 00:12:31,920
What, even lesbians?

328
00:12:32,100 --> 00:12:33,340
No, not lesbians.

329
00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:34,100
LAUGHTER

330
00:12:34,100 --> 00:12:35,440
Why?

331
00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:37,560
Cos I like watching them.

332
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:39,520
LAUGHTER

333
00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:43,200
Now, I don't want to divide the room,

334
00:12:43,500 --> 00:12:45,040
but I'm pro-choice.

335
00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:46,060
I don't think it's anything to do with me

336
00:12:46,060 --> 00:12:46,740
or any other man,

337
00:12:46,820 --> 00:12:48,320
what a woman does with her body, right?

338
00:12:48,620 --> 00:12:49,680
But, on the...

339
00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:50,520
Thank you.

340
00:12:50,580 --> 00:12:51,720
On the flip side of that,

341
00:12:51,740 --> 00:12:52,820
there are people who are anti-abortion.

342
00:12:52,900 --> 00:12:53,440
I don't just mean people

343
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:54,400
who wouldn't have it for themselves.

344
00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:55,000
That's choice.

345
00:12:55,220 --> 00:12:56,480
I mean, I don't want anyone to have it.

346
00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:57,260
And of those,

347
00:12:57,320 --> 00:12:58,080
and there's a small percentage

348
00:12:58,080 --> 00:12:58,980
that are really militant,

349
00:12:59,200 --> 00:12:59,820
and of those,

350
00:12:59,900 --> 00:13:00,620
there are small percentage

351
00:13:00,620 --> 00:13:01,480
that are fucking...

352
00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:02,840
There's ones in America

353
00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:03,640
that are, like, terrorists.

354
00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:04,920
They bomb abortion clinics

355
00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:06,220
and put fetuses through your door,

356
00:13:06,300 --> 00:13:08,580
and they've got this propaganda machine

357
00:13:08,580 --> 00:13:08,840
that says,

358
00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:09,740
liberals,

359
00:13:10,180 --> 00:13:12,520
they're aborting babies at nine months,

360
00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:13,780
pulling them out of the vagina

361
00:13:13,780 --> 00:13:14,880
and liquidising them,

362
00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:16,940
like crazy conspiracy theory, right?

363
00:13:17,100 --> 00:13:18,060
And now they've got the internet,

364
00:13:18,420 --> 00:13:20,240
so they've got, like, fonts and memes.

365
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:21,820
It's like science to them, right?

366
00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:23,360
And this thing goes round, right?

367
00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:24,060
You've probably seen it,

368
00:13:24,100 --> 00:13:25,660
but it goes...

369
00:13:25,660 --> 00:13:27,580
I've heard different derivations of it,

370
00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:28,800
like, this was a real lecture

371
00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:30,620
or this was a real questionnaire, right?

372
00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:31,320
It's nonsense.

373
00:13:31,460 --> 00:13:32,180
It's all made up, right?

374
00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:32,800
It goes like this.

375
00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:32,940
It goes,

376
00:13:33,020 --> 00:13:34,780
a woman is pregnant.

377
00:13:35,460 --> 00:13:36,700
She already has five children.

378
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:37,820
Two are deaf,

379
00:13:38,140 --> 00:13:38,880
two are blind.

380
00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:40,380
One is mentally retarded.

381
00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:42,220
She has syphilis.

382
00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:43,720
Should she have the baby?

383
00:13:44,100 --> 00:13:45,220
No, question mark.

384
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:45,960
Well done.

385
00:13:46,140 --> 00:13:47,440
You just killed Beethoven.

386
00:13:49,380 --> 00:13:50,340
What are you talking about?

387
00:13:50,340 --> 00:13:51,800
That makes no fucking sense.

388
00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:53,240
At all.

389
00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:54,740
OK, keep it fair.

390
00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:55,600
Let's do the opposing.

391
00:13:55,860 --> 00:13:57,220
So, OK, there's another woman.

392
00:13:58,000 --> 00:13:58,740
She's pregnant.

393
00:13:59,140 --> 00:13:59,720
Two children.

394
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:00,400
Great hearing.

395
00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:00,960
Great eyesight.

396
00:14:01,100 --> 00:14:01,620
Really smart.

397
00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:02,920
She hasn't got syphilis.

398
00:14:03,140 --> 00:14:04,080
Should she have the baby?

399
00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:05,440
Yes, question mark.

400
00:14:05,660 --> 00:14:06,080
Well done.

401
00:14:06,180 --> 00:14:07,420
You just gave birth to Hitler.

402
00:14:11,540 --> 00:14:13,100
Now, there's even a stigma.

403
00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:15,080
Like, doctors get in trouble for saying to someone,

404
00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:16,260
you're overweight or obese.

405
00:14:16,340 --> 00:14:17,740
No, that's a political thing.

406
00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:19,140
No, it's like fat shaming.

407
00:14:19,220 --> 00:14:19,660
It's not fat.

408
00:14:19,780 --> 00:14:21,380
You don't get cancer shaming.

409
00:14:21,460 --> 00:14:23,040
He's trying to save your life, right?

410
00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:26,140
There was a school that tried to ban the word obese

411
00:14:26,140 --> 00:14:29,500
because they said it was derogatory to, I don't know what to call them,

412
00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:33,540
um, round children, right?

413
00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:36,080
But that's the polite word.

414
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:39,440
That's the word we invented so we didn't say fat little fucker.

415
00:14:39,580 --> 00:14:43,500
Don't keep changing words because one person gets offended.

416
00:14:43,500 --> 00:14:46,180
Also, fat people aren't offended by the word obese.

417
00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:46,860
They did it all.

418
00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:47,560
They're happy with it.

419
00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:48,600
They're jolly, aren't they?

420
00:14:48,820 --> 00:14:49,300
They're jolly.

421
00:14:49,500 --> 00:14:50,980
You know, you see a fat boy,

422
00:14:51,060 --> 00:14:51,680
all right, fatty.

423
00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:53,500
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

424
00:14:53,660 --> 00:14:54,020
Yeah.

425
00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:55,000
Yeah.

426
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:55,940
Oh, yeah.

427
00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:57,160
Bloop, bloop, bloop.

428
00:14:57,540 --> 00:14:58,360
Yeah, yeah.

429
00:14:58,520 --> 00:14:58,900
Yeah.

430
00:14:59,240 --> 00:14:59,440
Yeah.

431
00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:00,360
And they go to the doctor.

432
00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:00,860
Come in.

433
00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:02,120
Bloop.

434
00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:05,220
Doctor goes, fuck me.

435
00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:07,960
Oh, am I obese?

436
00:15:09,140 --> 00:15:10,560
No, you're morbidly obese.

437
00:15:12,660 --> 00:15:13,740
What does that mean?

438
00:15:14,560 --> 00:15:15,800
It means you're going to die of it.

439
00:15:15,900 --> 00:15:16,340
Oh, does it?

440
00:15:16,900 --> 00:15:17,280
All right.

441
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:20,240
What, straight away or?

442
00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:21,340
No, no, no, no.

443
00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:24,380
You've got diabetes so you'll have your legs amputated soon

444
00:15:24,380 --> 00:15:27,940
and then if you carry on, you'll die later of like stroke,

445
00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:29,760
respiratory, heart failure.

446
00:15:30,380 --> 00:15:31,020
All right.

447
00:15:32,700 --> 00:15:33,780
Is there anything I can do?

448
00:15:34,380 --> 00:15:35,620
Oh, yeah, of course there is.

449
00:15:35,660 --> 00:15:37,160
You could start working out and eat healthy.

450
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:37,920
You'll be right as rain.

451
00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:38,960
Oh, right.

452
00:15:39,660 --> 00:15:40,680
But you won't, will you?

453
00:15:43,380 --> 00:15:46,440
But psychology, psychiatry, neuroscience,

454
00:15:46,780 --> 00:15:48,020
it's still in its infancy

455
00:15:48,020 --> 00:15:51,040
and we still know so little about the brain

456
00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:53,180
and 150 years ago, we knew nothing.

457
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:55,040
It was just, it was all guesswork, right?

458
00:15:55,260 --> 00:15:57,580
And like everything was just mental.

459
00:15:57,580 --> 00:16:00,220
If you weren't a white, sort of heterosexual,

460
00:16:00,220 --> 00:16:02,060
married Christian man, right?

461
00:16:02,140 --> 00:16:04,500
If you deviated too far for that, mental.

462
00:16:04,820 --> 00:16:07,200
They just went mental, like homosexuality,

463
00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:08,280
mental, mental illness,

464
00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:09,940
you were put in an asylum for life

465
00:16:09,940 --> 00:16:11,080
or worse, tortured.

466
00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:13,280
Women who fell pregnant out of wedlock,

467
00:16:13,420 --> 00:16:16,100
mental, asylum for life, right?

468
00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:18,040
And now we understand things more.

469
00:16:18,100 --> 00:16:18,880
We're more tolerant.

470
00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:22,520
I think it's going too far the other way, though,

471
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:24,880
because now nothing's mental.

472
00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:26,360
You can't find something that someone's,

473
00:16:26,480 --> 00:16:28,460
nothing is considered mental.

474
00:16:28,900 --> 00:16:30,860
Everything is a syndrome

475
00:16:30,860 --> 00:16:32,060
or an addiction

476
00:16:32,060 --> 00:16:33,720
or a preference, right?

477
00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:35,300
I could have my legs removed,

478
00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:36,680
have wheels put on,

479
00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:38,760
identify as a pram, right?

480
00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:42,860
And if you sound mental,

481
00:16:43,020 --> 00:16:44,140
you're a bigot, right?

482
00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:48,300
Now, that's a bit hack, that joke, now, isn't it?

483
00:16:48,340 --> 00:16:50,320
Oh, identify as a thing then, right?

484
00:16:50,340 --> 00:16:51,320
It's a bit old-fashioned, right?

485
00:16:51,380 --> 00:16:52,860
But I'm going to leave it in

486
00:16:52,860 --> 00:16:54,340
to annoy people, right?

487
00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:56,180
Because that's the bit

488
00:16:56,180 --> 00:16:57,200
that will offend people.

489
00:16:57,300 --> 00:16:58,660
Same as humanity.

490
00:16:58,980 --> 00:17:00,880
I talk about AIDS, famine,

491
00:17:01,180 --> 00:17:02,160
cancer, the Holocaust,

492
00:17:02,540 --> 00:17:03,540
rape, paedophilia.

493
00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:04,800
But no, the one thing

494
00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:05,800
you mustn't joke about

495
00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:06,680
is identity policy.

496
00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:08,540
The one thing you should never joke about

497
00:17:08,540 --> 00:17:09,840
is the trans issue, right?

498
00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:11,540
They just want to be treated equally.

499
00:17:11,780 --> 00:17:12,280
I agree.

500
00:17:12,580 --> 00:17:13,680
That's why I include them.

501
00:17:15,260 --> 00:17:15,940
You know?

502
00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:22,980
But they know I'm joking

503
00:17:22,980 --> 00:17:24,020
about all the other stuff,

504
00:17:24,100 --> 00:17:24,360
but they go,

505
00:17:24,420 --> 00:17:25,480
no, no, he must be,

506
00:17:25,780 --> 00:17:26,880
no, he must mean that, right?

507
00:17:26,940 --> 00:17:28,880
Like, a joke is a window

508
00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:30,280
to the comedian's true soul.

509
00:17:30,540 --> 00:17:32,380
It's just, that's just not the case.

510
00:17:32,900 --> 00:17:34,700
I'll take on any view

511
00:17:34,700 --> 00:17:36,060
to make the joke funniest.

512
00:17:36,060 --> 00:17:37,340
I'll pretend to be right-wing.

513
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:38,740
I'll pretend to be left-wing.

514
00:17:39,100 --> 00:17:40,100
I'll pretend to be clever.

515
00:17:40,460 --> 00:17:41,480
I'll pretend to be stupid.

516
00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:43,220
Whatever makes the joke funnier,

517
00:17:43,260 --> 00:17:44,000
without prejudice.

518
00:17:44,340 --> 00:17:45,600
OK, full disclosure,

519
00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:46,180
in real life,

520
00:17:46,380 --> 00:17:48,000
of course I support trans rights.

521
00:17:48,220 --> 00:17:49,480
I support all human rights.

522
00:17:49,660 --> 00:17:51,020
And trans rights are human rights.

523
00:17:51,120 --> 00:17:51,340
You know?

524
00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:53,040
Live your best life.

525
00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:55,040
Use your preferred pronouns.

526
00:17:55,420 --> 00:17:56,160
Be the gender

527
00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:57,360
that you feel that you are.

528
00:17:57,640 --> 00:17:59,260
But meet me halfway, ladies.

529
00:17:59,320 --> 00:17:59,980
Lose the cock.

530
00:18:00,100 --> 00:18:00,980
That's all I'm saying.

531
00:18:00,980 --> 00:18:01,980
That's all I'm saying.

532
00:18:01,980 --> 00:18:02,460
LAUGHTER

533
00:18:02,460 --> 00:18:02,860
APPLAUSE

534
00:18:02,860 --> 00:18:11,120
But one thing that isn't ambiguous,

535
00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:12,480
whether it's nature or nurture,

536
00:18:12,860 --> 00:18:14,680
is racism, right?

537
00:18:14,900 --> 00:18:16,540
No one's born racist.

538
00:18:16,660 --> 00:18:18,120
You've got to learn that shit, OK?

539
00:18:18,380 --> 00:18:20,060
And, OK, I don't want to divide the room.

540
00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:21,660
I'm not a fan of racism.

541
00:18:22,060 --> 00:18:23,840
Um, no, hear me out.

542
00:18:24,060 --> 00:18:24,920
I, I, I...

543
00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:27,980
I don't care whether you're black, white, brown,

544
00:18:28,220 --> 00:18:29,380
European, African...

545
00:18:29,380 --> 00:18:30,060
You're all going,

546
00:18:30,220 --> 00:18:30,980
yeah, that's all right, Rick.

547
00:18:31,020 --> 00:18:32,280
Black, white, brown, European, African.

548
00:18:32,340 --> 00:18:33,500
What about the fucking Eskimos?

549
00:18:33,980 --> 00:18:34,740
Racist, right?

550
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:36,480
They're fucking weird, Rick.

551
00:18:36,500 --> 00:18:37,300
They are not weird.

552
00:18:37,380 --> 00:18:38,040
They're just different.

553
00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:39,200
They live in the snow.

554
00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:40,480
Yeah, that is their little house,

555
00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:41,600
the snow, so, right?

556
00:18:41,860 --> 00:18:42,740
Yeah, they wear a,

557
00:18:42,740 --> 00:18:44,360
they wear a dead sea lion for their clothes.

558
00:18:44,380 --> 00:18:45,300
Yes, that's their clothes,

559
00:18:45,340 --> 00:18:46,380
the dead sea lion, right?

560
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:47,860
But here's the thing about racism, right?

561
00:18:48,740 --> 00:18:50,760
You drag one out of his little hole in the snow

562
00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:53,360
and peel him out of his sea lion outfit, right?

563
00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:54,880
And he's standing there naked.

564
00:18:55,220 --> 00:18:56,480
You take a closer look.

565
00:18:56,800 --> 00:18:58,320
He's basically a cold Chinaman.

566
00:19:00,660 --> 00:19:13,020
I know you can't say Chinaman anymore, right?

567
00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:15,940
I can't believe you ever could,

568
00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:18,120
because that is the laziest labelling

569
00:19:18,120 --> 00:19:20,540
of a demographic I've ever heard, right?

570
00:19:20,740 --> 00:19:22,600
So the first one lands on our shores,

571
00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:23,720
and we gather round going,

572
00:19:23,780 --> 00:19:24,980
what the fuck, where are you from, right?

573
00:19:25,220 --> 00:19:26,220
And he goes, China.

574
00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:27,600
And we go, oh, you're a Chinaman.

575
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:29,620
He goes, I'm a what?

576
00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:30,760
You're a Chinaman.

577
00:19:31,580 --> 00:19:32,440
A Chinaman?

578
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:33,040
Yeah.

579
00:19:34,020 --> 00:19:34,840
What's my wife?

580
00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:35,780
Duh.

581
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:36,700
Lady Chinaman.

582
00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:41,760
Why don't you call me by my name?

583
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:43,460
I don't know your name, do I?

584
00:19:44,540 --> 00:19:45,260
It's Ling.

585
00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:46,580
Ling?

586
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:47,640
Yeah.

587
00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:49,700
Is that your first name or your surname?

588
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:51,020
Both.

589
00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:54,720
Ling Ling?

590
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:55,780
Hello.

591
00:19:57,940 --> 00:19:59,440
Right, no, right.

592
00:20:00,740 --> 00:20:01,220
Right.

593
00:20:04,260 --> 00:20:05,400
It might work.

594
00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:06,640
It might...

595
00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:10,520
It might work.

596
00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:19,780
How does that work, Doc?

597
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:21,260
Well, let me think.

598
00:20:21,380 --> 00:20:22,200
I haven't thought it through.

599
00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:23,160
Right, okay, no.

600
00:20:24,380 --> 00:20:26,060
So, what you do is,

601
00:20:26,140 --> 00:20:28,780
we've hired loads of dwarves, right?

602
00:20:28,780 --> 00:20:31,560
And we're not open during the panto season.

603
00:20:31,700 --> 00:20:32,960
We can't get the staff, right?

604
00:20:33,020 --> 00:20:39,100
So, you come in February to November, right?

605
00:20:39,820 --> 00:20:41,820
And we've hired loads of dwarves, right?

606
00:20:41,900 --> 00:20:43,960
And we've dressed them up as schoolchildren, right?

607
00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:46,040
And they just run around the campus, right?

608
00:20:46,060 --> 00:20:48,900
Run around like they're free-range dwarves.

609
00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:51,900
They're all free-range dwarves, right?

610
00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:54,740
And they look like they're about six years old, right?

611
00:20:54,740 --> 00:20:55,180
But they're not.

612
00:20:55,260 --> 00:20:56,180
They're above legal age,

613
00:20:56,220 --> 00:20:57,220
so you're not breaking the law.

614
00:20:57,220 --> 00:20:59,100
And they've been paid, so it's consensual.

615
00:20:59,300 --> 00:21:00,740
And you just go to one you fancy,

616
00:21:01,020 --> 00:21:02,020
pull down his little trousers,

617
00:21:02,300 --> 00:21:02,680
fiddle his...

618
00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:04,640
Hey, doctor, I said I was a pedo.

619
00:21:04,660 --> 00:21:06,000
I didn't say I was gay, right?

620
00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:06,300
Do you think?

621
00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:08,280
Do you think there's, like, homophobia

622
00:21:08,280 --> 00:21:09,640
in the sort of pedophile community?

623
00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:11,860
Like, one pedophile, he's all smug.

624
00:21:11,900 --> 00:21:12,540
He's heterosexual.

625
00:21:12,820 --> 00:21:14,240
He's abducting a little girl, right?

626
00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:15,860
He's taking a little girl into the forest.

627
00:21:16,060 --> 00:21:17,600
And he looks over and he sees another pedo

628
00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:18,200
with a little boy.

629
00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:18,560
And he goes,

630
00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:19,520
You fucking bender.

631
00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:26,060
And there's a London borough

632
00:21:26,060 --> 00:21:28,480
that tried to ban registered pedophiles

633
00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:30,540
living within one mile of a school.

634
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:32,920
Now, say what you will about pedos,

635
00:21:33,300 --> 00:21:34,240
but they're not lazy.

636
00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:35,520
No, are you?

637
00:21:36,020 --> 00:21:37,540
A lot of them are bus drivers.

638
00:21:37,780 --> 00:21:38,660
That's nothing.

639
00:21:39,940 --> 00:21:41,040
You know?

640
00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:43,960
So, this pedo teacher, right?

641
00:21:44,040 --> 00:21:44,800
True story, this.

642
00:21:45,020 --> 00:21:46,300
It was about 1976.

643
00:21:46,620 --> 00:21:47,500
I was about 14.

644
00:21:48,060 --> 00:21:49,420
And looking back,

645
00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:50,740
I feel a bit sorry for him

646
00:21:50,740 --> 00:21:52,140
because he was probably late 20s

647
00:21:52,140 --> 00:21:53,000
and there was something wrong.

648
00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:54,420
He was like a nervous sort of guy.

649
00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:56,080
And he was obviously gay.

650
00:21:56,300 --> 00:21:57,920
And he had a fling with one of the older boys

651
00:21:57,920 --> 00:21:59,740
who might have been 16, 17.

652
00:22:00,060 --> 00:22:01,900
So now would have been totally legal,

653
00:22:02,140 --> 00:22:03,620
but then technically a nonce.

654
00:22:03,980 --> 00:22:04,380
Banished.

655
00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:05,100
Convicted.

656
00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:06,120
Never heard of again.

657
00:22:06,340 --> 00:22:07,460
Big scandal, right?

658
00:22:07,460 --> 00:22:08,540
And when it broke,

659
00:22:08,940 --> 00:22:10,480
I went home that day.

660
00:22:11,040 --> 00:22:11,900
My mum was there.

661
00:22:12,260 --> 00:22:12,700
And she went,

662
00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:13,720
did he touch you?

663
00:22:14,560 --> 00:22:15,120
And I went,

664
00:22:15,640 --> 00:22:15,900
no.

665
00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:16,980
She went,

666
00:22:17,140 --> 00:22:17,600
you sure?

667
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:18,260
I went,

668
00:22:18,740 --> 00:22:19,040
yeah.

669
00:22:19,460 --> 00:22:19,880
She went,

670
00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:21,740
he couldn't have fancied you then.

671
00:22:24,860 --> 00:22:25,740
So now,

672
00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:27,800
my mum is winding me up

673
00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:30,880
about me not being attractive enough

674
00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:33,000
to be sexually abused.

675
00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:35,540
What if I'd have got a complex?

676
00:22:35,540 --> 00:22:36,300
What if I'd have thought,

677
00:22:36,360 --> 00:22:37,080
well, I'll show her.

678
00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:37,540
Right?

679
00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:40,160
I come in at midnight.

680
00:22:40,300 --> 00:22:40,800
Where you been?

681
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:42,000
Sucking off bus drivers.

682
00:22:42,180 --> 00:22:42,840
That's what you get.

683
00:22:45,740 --> 00:22:47,900
Did anyone have a pedo teacher

684
00:22:47,900 --> 00:22:48,940
when they were at school?

685
00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:49,640
Yes.

686
00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:50,100
Yes.

687
00:22:50,340 --> 00:22:50,540
Yes.

688
00:22:51,820 --> 00:22:53,600
Round of applause for pedo teachers.

689
00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:53,900
Yeah.

690
00:22:58,020 --> 00:22:58,920
Fucking hell.

691
00:22:59,860 --> 00:23:00,260
Unbelievable.

692
00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:02,440
That's another thing.

693
00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:03,840
I think where people are now

694
00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:05,620
trying to be so politically correct,

695
00:23:05,620 --> 00:23:07,160
they're trying to outwoke each other.

696
00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:08,380
Soon someone's going to say,

697
00:23:08,580 --> 00:23:09,860
you can't say pedo anymore.

698
00:23:10,060 --> 00:23:11,160
It's a derogatory term.

699
00:23:11,540 --> 00:23:14,720
It offends people who are child addicted.

700
00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:15,560
Right?

701
00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:18,080
So you're going to have people

702
00:23:18,080 --> 00:23:18,960
going to the doctor going,

703
00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:21,220
doctor, I think I'm child addicted.

704
00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:21,880
Right?

705
00:23:22,420 --> 00:23:22,940
And the doctor will go,

706
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:23,860
oh, you poor thing.

707
00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:24,900
How do you feel?

708
00:23:25,240 --> 00:23:26,440
I feel like I want to fiddle with kids.

709
00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:29,340
That is one of the symptoms.

710
00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:31,160
Don't worry.

711
00:23:31,340 --> 00:23:31,700
Sit down.

712
00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:32,940
We'll get you into a facility,

713
00:23:33,100 --> 00:23:34,480
a taxpayer's expense, right?

714
00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:36,580
And we'll wean you off, children.

715
00:23:37,060 --> 00:23:38,180
How does that work, doctor?

716
00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:39,780
Well, you know like when they give

717
00:23:39,780 --> 00:23:41,060
heroin addicts methadone?

718
00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:41,440
Yeah.

719
00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:43,540
Well, we're going to start you on dwarves.

720
00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:43,960
Right?

721
00:23:45,320 --> 00:23:46,280
I'll give you an example.

722
00:23:46,820 --> 00:23:48,140
We were at our dad's funeral

723
00:23:48,140 --> 00:23:49,380
and I was out in the graveyard

724
00:23:49,380 --> 00:23:50,320
with my brother Bob.

725
00:23:50,500 --> 00:23:50,680
Right?

726
00:23:50,860 --> 00:23:51,780
Bob was having a cigarette.

727
00:23:52,080 --> 00:23:52,240
Right?

728
00:23:52,780 --> 00:23:54,420
And our uncle Mike came along.

729
00:23:54,480 --> 00:23:56,740
We hadn't seen Mike for like 25 years.

730
00:23:56,900 --> 00:23:58,100
Last time we saw him he was like 50

731
00:23:58,100 --> 00:23:59,340
and now he's like 75.

732
00:23:59,820 --> 00:24:00,760
He hadn't aged well.

733
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:01,820
He was an old man.

734
00:24:02,060 --> 00:24:02,220
Right?

735
00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:03,460
And he came up to us

736
00:24:03,460 --> 00:24:04,360
and he went, hello boys.

737
00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:06,140
And Bob sort of looked at him

738
00:24:06,140 --> 00:24:06,920
and recognised him

739
00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:08,160
and went, fuck me.

740
00:24:08,540 --> 00:24:08,920
Like that, right?

741
00:24:09,620 --> 00:24:11,300
And then Bob looked around the graveyard

742
00:24:11,300 --> 00:24:11,820
and went,

743
00:24:12,060 --> 00:24:13,460
is there any point you going home?

744
00:24:16,740 --> 00:24:17,100
Right?

745
00:24:23,100 --> 00:24:24,720
And Uncle Mike laughed and went,

746
00:24:25,060 --> 00:24:26,160
always nice to see you, Bobby.

747
00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:26,780
Like that.

748
00:24:27,340 --> 00:24:28,280
When I left school,

749
00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:30,020
my best mate was a bloke called Mark.

750
00:24:30,120 --> 00:24:30,260
Right?

751
00:24:30,900 --> 00:24:31,700
We did everything together.

752
00:24:31,700 --> 00:24:32,600
Then we took a year out

753
00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:33,300
before we went to college

754
00:24:33,300 --> 00:24:33,900
to our own money

755
00:24:33,900 --> 00:24:35,060
to get pissed, really.

756
00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:36,380
And we did.

757
00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:38,200
It was the best summer ever.

758
00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:40,040
But then something happened.

759
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:41,780
His grandmother died

760
00:24:41,780 --> 00:24:43,300
and he lived with her

761
00:24:43,300 --> 00:24:44,220
so it was a big deal.

762
00:24:45,060 --> 00:24:46,340
And he went to the funeral

763
00:24:46,340 --> 00:24:48,180
and the first place he came

764
00:24:48,180 --> 00:24:49,200
after the funeral was my house.

765
00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:51,340
He sat down in his little black suit

766
00:24:51,340 --> 00:24:53,160
and it was just quite,

767
00:24:53,220 --> 00:24:53,980
I didn't know what to say.

768
00:24:54,060 --> 00:24:54,580
No hugging.

769
00:24:54,860 --> 00:24:54,960
Right?

770
00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:55,980
So I just went,

771
00:24:56,360 --> 00:24:56,780
how was it?

772
00:24:56,800 --> 00:24:57,440
He went, it was awful.

773
00:24:57,960 --> 00:24:58,160
He said,

774
00:24:58,220 --> 00:24:59,520
she was cremated

775
00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:00,980
and we all went outside

776
00:25:00,980 --> 00:25:02,120
to watch the smoke go up

777
00:25:02,120 --> 00:25:03,560
and the wind changed

778
00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:05,440
and it all blew in our faces.

779
00:25:05,800 --> 00:25:05,920
Right?

780
00:25:07,260 --> 00:25:07,940
And I went,

781
00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:08,660
what, in your mouth?

782
00:25:08,740 --> 00:25:09,260
And he went, yeah.

783
00:25:09,420 --> 00:25:09,760
I went,

784
00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:11,060
I took a chance.

785
00:25:11,060 --> 00:25:13,040
I said,

786
00:25:13,340 --> 00:25:14,220
did it taste bitter?

787
00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:15,200
And he went,

788
00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:15,780
yeah.

789
00:25:15,940 --> 00:25:16,220
I went,

790
00:25:16,960 --> 00:25:17,960
that was her clitoris.

791
00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:21,600
Right?

792
00:25:23,980 --> 00:25:26,000
But now there's so much outrage

793
00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:26,840
and we hear about it

794
00:25:26,840 --> 00:25:28,080
and it's taken seriously.

795
00:25:28,420 --> 00:25:28,620
You know,

796
00:25:28,760 --> 00:25:30,260
there's Oxbridge comedians

797
00:25:30,260 --> 00:25:31,360
writing for the posh papers

798
00:25:31,360 --> 00:25:32,580
thinking of the rules of comedy.

799
00:25:32,680 --> 00:25:33,480
They're laying it down,

800
00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:34,400
laying down the law.

801
00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:34,860
Right?

802
00:25:35,140 --> 00:25:35,780
And it's all stuff like,

803
00:25:36,060 --> 00:25:37,440
comedy should punch up.

804
00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:38,660
You should never punch down.

805
00:25:38,860 --> 00:25:39,780
You should never punch down.

806
00:25:39,780 --> 00:25:41,320
Sometimes you've got to punch down.

807
00:25:41,520 --> 00:25:41,700
Like,

808
00:25:42,180 --> 00:25:42,800
if you're beating up

809
00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:43,680
a disabled toddler.

810
00:25:44,120 --> 00:25:44,520
You know what I mean?

811
00:25:47,500 --> 00:25:48,520
If you punch up,

812
00:25:48,580 --> 00:25:49,380
you'll miss the little cunt

813
00:25:49,380 --> 00:25:49,960
and they'll win.

814
00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:50,520
You know?

815
00:25:52,780 --> 00:25:53,880
I like that joke

816
00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:54,560
because it highlights

817
00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:55,180
the difference between

818
00:25:55,180 --> 00:25:56,720
metaphorical punching down

819
00:25:56,720 --> 00:25:57,360
in jokes

820
00:25:57,360 --> 00:25:58,460
and actual

821
00:25:58,460 --> 00:25:59,900
punching down.

822
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:00,920
But people nowadays

823
00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:01,560
want you to believe

824
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:02,280
that words are

825
00:26:02,280 --> 00:26:03,620
actual violence.

826
00:26:03,780 --> 00:26:03,960
Right?

827
00:26:04,100 --> 00:26:04,280
Now,

828
00:26:04,500 --> 00:26:05,900
you laughed at a joke

829
00:26:05,900 --> 00:26:07,020
about beating up

830
00:26:07,020 --> 00:26:07,600
a disabled toddler.

831
00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:08,460
No one got hurt.

832
00:26:08,460 --> 00:26:09,320
If I'd have actually

833
00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:09,960
dragged out

834
00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:10,980
a disabled toddler

835
00:26:10,980 --> 00:26:12,880
and started beating him up,

836
00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:14,100
you would laugh.

837
00:26:14,340 --> 00:26:14,540
Right?

838
00:26:15,360 --> 00:26:16,560
That's why I dropped that bit.

839
00:26:17,460 --> 00:26:17,860
Um...

840
00:26:17,860 --> 00:26:21,500
I know what you're thinking.

841
00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:23,420
Why have I got a picture of...

842
00:26:23,420 --> 00:26:27,400
Baby Hitler on my phone?

843
00:26:28,100 --> 00:26:29,220
That's my business.

844
00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:30,320
Um...

845
00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:31,740
What if I do

846
00:26:31,740 --> 00:26:32,640
masturbate over it?

847
00:26:33,300 --> 00:26:35,680
What if that's the only thing

848
00:26:35,680 --> 00:26:36,440
I masturbate over?

849
00:26:36,540 --> 00:26:37,200
There's no...

850
00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:38,000
no victim,

851
00:26:38,100 --> 00:26:38,580
no crime.

852
00:26:38,660 --> 00:26:39,700
You could call the police

853
00:26:39,700 --> 00:26:40,200
right now,

854
00:26:40,300 --> 00:26:41,240
have them come round to my house

855
00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:41,720
and they go around

856
00:26:41,720 --> 00:26:41,920
and say,

857
00:26:42,220 --> 00:26:43,080
oh, we heard you admitted

858
00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:43,680
you're a nonce.

859
00:26:43,740 --> 00:26:44,140
I go, yeah,

860
00:26:44,500 --> 00:26:45,340
but only for pictures

861
00:26:45,340 --> 00:26:46,460
of dead baby Hitler.

862
00:26:46,680 --> 00:26:46,940
Right?

863
00:26:46,940 --> 00:26:48,180
I go,

864
00:26:48,260 --> 00:26:48,960
check the rule book.

865
00:26:49,080 --> 00:26:49,420
And they go,

866
00:26:49,920 --> 00:26:50,780
yep, good as gold.

867
00:26:51,460 --> 00:26:51,700
Right?

868
00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:53,600
I go,

869
00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:54,040
do you want to see

870
00:26:54,040 --> 00:26:54,800
where I masturbate?

871
00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:55,160
They go, yeah,

872
00:26:55,220 --> 00:26:55,680
go on, right?

873
00:26:56,360 --> 00:26:56,720
So,

874
00:26:57,220 --> 00:26:57,840
I take them down

875
00:26:57,840 --> 00:26:58,640
to the wanktorium,

876
00:26:58,800 --> 00:26:59,020
right?

877
00:26:59,920 --> 00:27:00,560
It's basically

878
00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:01,840
a converted wine cellar,

879
00:27:01,920 --> 00:27:02,180
right?

880
00:27:02,860 --> 00:27:03,700
But it's that picture

881
00:27:03,700 --> 00:27:05,120
blown up a hundred times,

882
00:27:05,200 --> 00:27:05,420
right?

883
00:27:05,660 --> 00:27:06,920
Just around the walls.

884
00:27:07,200 --> 00:27:07,460
Like that.

885
00:27:08,220 --> 00:27:08,820
Dripping with

886
00:27:08,820 --> 00:27:09,920
40 years of cum.

887
00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:12,400
I've only lived there

888
00:27:12,400 --> 00:27:12,900
five years,

889
00:27:12,940 --> 00:27:13,360
so I don't know.

890
00:27:16,180 --> 00:27:16,580
Or,

891
00:27:16,820 --> 00:27:18,020
I'd be reincarnated.

892
00:27:18,280 --> 00:27:18,820
I'd come back

893
00:27:18,820 --> 00:27:19,580
as someone else.

894
00:27:20,360 --> 00:27:20,920
That'd just be

895
00:27:20,920 --> 00:27:21,520
someone else.

896
00:27:24,020 --> 00:27:24,940
That's all that's happened.

897
00:27:25,020 --> 00:27:25,980
You're not involved.

898
00:27:26,120 --> 00:27:27,000
That is just

899
00:27:27,000 --> 00:27:29,960
someone else.

900
00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:30,700
Right?

901
00:27:32,060 --> 00:27:33,020
Many people believe

902
00:27:33,020 --> 00:27:33,780
in reincarnation,

903
00:27:33,880 --> 00:27:34,200
of course.

904
00:27:34,380 --> 00:27:35,180
Some people even claim

905
00:27:35,180 --> 00:27:36,220
they remember who they were

906
00:27:36,220 --> 00:27:37,200
in a previous life.

907
00:27:37,860 --> 00:27:39,040
There's a society

908
00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:39,880
in America

909
00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:40,500
of course.

910
00:27:42,300 --> 00:27:43,340
In California,

911
00:27:43,540 --> 00:27:44,020
of course.

912
00:27:44,200 --> 00:27:44,360
Right?

913
00:27:45,720 --> 00:27:47,020
And they remember

914
00:27:47,020 --> 00:27:47,560
who they were

915
00:27:47,560 --> 00:27:48,400
in a previous life.

916
00:27:48,460 --> 00:27:48,900
And they're always

917
00:27:48,900 --> 00:27:49,800
someone pretty special

918
00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:50,820
in their previous life.

919
00:27:51,280 --> 00:27:52,100
Not so much

920
00:27:52,100 --> 00:27:52,580
in the life

921
00:27:52,580 --> 00:27:53,280
they've got now.

922
00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:55,900
But I saw

923
00:27:55,900 --> 00:27:57,200
a documentary about it

924
00:27:57,200 --> 00:27:58,100
and every year

925
00:27:58,100 --> 00:27:58,540
they have a

926
00:27:58,540 --> 00:27:59,740
come-as-you-were party

927
00:27:59,740 --> 00:28:01,220
where they go

928
00:28:01,220 --> 00:28:02,200
dressed as the person

929
00:28:02,200 --> 00:28:03,200
they were in history.

930
00:28:04,220 --> 00:28:05,380
Two Napoleons.

931
00:28:08,260 --> 00:28:08,700
So,

932
00:28:08,700 --> 00:28:09,980
at least

933
00:28:09,980 --> 00:28:10,540
one of them

934
00:28:10,540 --> 00:28:11,660
is fucking lying.

935
00:28:11,660 --> 00:28:14,080
for coming in.

936
00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:14,380
Thank you.

937
00:28:14,380 --> 00:28:14,560
I love you.

938
00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:15,120
Thank you.

939
00:28:15,120 --> 00:28:17,120
You