1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:15,820 It's just one more way of reducing your liberty and reminding you that they can fuck with you anytime they want, as long as you put up with it, as long as you put up with it, which means, of course, anytime they want, because that's what Americans do now. 2 00:00:15,820 --> 00:00:33,580 They're always willing to trade away a little of their freedom in exchange for the feeling, the illusion of security. What we have now is a completely neurotic population obsessed with security and safety and crime and drugs and cleanliness and hygiene and germs. 3 00:00:33,580 --> 00:00:58,280 There's another thing, germs. Where did this sudden fear of germs come from in this country? Have you noticed this? The media constantly running stories about all the latest infections, salmonella, E. coli, hantavirus, bird flu, and Americans, they panic easily, so now everybody's running around scrubbing this and spraying that and overcooking their food and repeatedly washing their hands, trying to avoid all contact with germs. 4 00:00:58,280 --> 00:01:07,120 It's ridiculous, and it goes to ridiculous lengths. In prisons, before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. 5 00:01:09,440 --> 00:01:25,420 It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. Well, they don't want you to get an infection. And you can see their point. Wouldn't want some guy to go to hell and be sick. 6 00:01:25,420 --> 00:01:33,940 It would take a lot of the sportsmanship out of the whole execution. Fear of germs. Why, these fucking pussies? 7 00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:41,860 You can't even get a decent hamburger anymore. They cook the shit out of everything now because everybody's afraid of food poisoning. 8 00:01:42,420 --> 00:01:45,620 Hey, where's your sense of adventure? Take a fucking chance, will you? 9 00:01:46,180 --> 00:01:49,620 You know how many people die in this country from food poisoning every year? 10 00:01:49,620 --> 00:01:52,820 9,000. That's all. It's a minor risk. 11 00:01:54,580 --> 00:01:58,240 Take a fucking chance, bunch of goddamn pussies. 12 00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:02,840 Besides, what do you think you have an immune system for? 13 00:02:03,260 --> 00:02:04,720 It's for killing germs. 14 00:02:05,100 --> 00:02:08,660 But it needs practice. It needs germs to practice on. 15 00:02:08,660 --> 00:02:22,820 So, so listen, so listen, if you kill all the germs around you and live a completely sterile life, then when germs do come along, you're not going to be prepared. 16 00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:30,000 And never mind ordinary germs, what are you going to do when some super virus comes along that turns your vital organs into liquid shit? 17 00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:37,800 I'll tell you what you're going to do. You're going to get sick, you're going to die, and you're going to deserve it because you're fucking weak and you've got a fucking weak immune system. 18 00:02:38,580 --> 00:02:50,500 Now, hey, let me tell you a true story about immunization, okay? 19 00:02:50,500 --> 00:02:58,540 When I was a little boy in New York City in the 1940s, we swam in the Hudson River, and it was filled with raw sewage, okay? 20 00:02:58,980 --> 00:03:02,820 We swam in raw sewage, you know, to cool off. 21 00:03:04,540 --> 00:03:06,960 And at that time, the big fear was polio. 22 00:03:07,260 --> 00:03:09,380 Thousands of kids died from polio every year. 23 00:03:09,540 --> 00:03:12,440 But you know something? In my neighborhood, no one ever got polio. 24 00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:13,500 No one ever. 25 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:16,620 You know why? Because we swam in raw sewage. 26 00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:20,200 It strengthened our immune systems. 27 00:03:20,500 --> 00:03:22,060 The polio never had a prayer. 28 00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:24,340 We were tempered in raw shit. 29 00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:31,680 So, personally, I never take any special precautions against germs. 30 00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:33,960 I don't shy away from people who sneeze and cough. 31 00:03:34,140 --> 00:03:35,180 I don't wipe off the telephone. 32 00:03:35,300 --> 00:03:36,380 I don't cover the toilet seat. 33 00:03:36,580 --> 00:03:39,340 And if I drop food on the floor, I pick it up and eat it. 34 00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:41,420 I eat it. 35 00:03:42,380 --> 00:03:43,100 Yes, I do. 36 00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:49,900 Even if I'm at a sidewalk cafe in Calcutta. 37 00:03:51,040 --> 00:03:52,280 The poor section. 38 00:03:53,020 --> 00:03:55,320 A New Year's morning during a soccer riot. 39 00:03:56,940 --> 00:03:57,580 And you know something? 40 00:03:57,660 --> 00:04:01,100 In spite of all that so-called risky behavior, I never get infections. 41 00:04:01,380 --> 00:04:01,980 I don't get them. 42 00:04:02,180 --> 00:04:02,880 I don't get colds. 43 00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:03,420 I don't get flu. 44 00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:04,260 I don't get headaches. 45 00:04:04,340 --> 00:04:05,460 I don't get upset stomachs. 46 00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:06,260 And you know why? 47 00:04:06,260 --> 00:04:08,180 Because I've got a good, strong immune system. 48 00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:09,820 And it gets a lot of practice. 49 00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:17,620 My immune system is equipped with the biological equivalent of fully automatic military assault rifles with night vision and laser scopes. 50 00:04:17,620 --> 00:04:23,980 And we have recently acquired phosphorus grenades, cluster bombs, and anti-personnel fragmentation mines. 51 00:04:23,980 --> 00:04:35,940 So, when my white blood cells are on patrol reconnoitering my bloodstream, seeking out strangers and other undesirables, if they see any, any suspicious-looking germs of any kind, they don't fuck around. 52 00:04:35,940 --> 00:04:37,940 They whip out the weapons. 53 00:04:38,660 --> 00:04:42,820 They wax the motherfucker and deposit the unlucky fellow directly into my colon. 54 00:04:44,120 --> 00:04:45,240 Into my colon. 55 00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:46,260 There's no nonsense. 56 00:04:46,740 --> 00:04:47,920 There's no Miranda warning. 57 00:04:48,020 --> 00:04:49,840 There's none of that three strikes and you're out shit. 58 00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:51,260 First defense. 59 00:04:51,420 --> 00:04:51,880 Bam. 60 00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:53,420 Into the colon you go. 61 00:04:53,420 --> 00:05:12,640 And speaking of my colon, I want you to know I don't automatically wash my hands every time I go to the bathroom, okay? 62 00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:14,680 Can you deal with that? 63 00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:17,160 Sometimes I do. 64 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:18,300 Sometimes I don't. 65 00:05:18,580 --> 00:05:19,820 You know when I wash my hands? 66 00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:21,240 When I shit on them. 67 00:05:23,420 --> 00:05:24,700 That's the only time. 68 00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:26,120 That's the only. 69 00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:27,780 And you know how often that happens? 70 00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:28,320 Tops. 71 00:05:28,460 --> 00:05:28,860 Tops. 72 00:05:28,980 --> 00:05:30,480 Two, three times a week. 73 00:05:30,640 --> 00:05:31,020 Tops. 74 00:05:31,860 --> 00:05:32,300 Tops. 75 00:05:32,820 --> 00:05:34,820 Maybe a little more frequently over the holidays. 76 00:05:34,900 --> 00:05:35,480 You know what I mean? 77 00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:40,420 And I'll tell you something else, my well-scrubbed friends. 78 00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:43,080 You don't always need a shower every day. 79 00:05:43,200 --> 00:05:43,820 Did you know that? 80 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:44,880 It's overkill. 81 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:51,980 Unless you work out or work outdoors or for some reason come in intimate contact with huge amounts of filth and garbage every day. 82 00:05:51,980 --> 00:05:53,700 You don't always need a shower. 83 00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:57,520 All you really need to do is to wash the four key areas. 84 00:05:58,440 --> 00:06:00,320 Armpits, asshole, crotch, and T. 85 00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:02,400 Got that? 86 00:06:02,660 --> 00:06:04,720 Armpits, asshole, crotch, and T. 87 00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:12,580 In fact, you can save yourself a whole lot of time if you simply use the same brush on all four areas. 88 00:06:15,580 --> 00:06:16,180 Thank you. 89 00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:21,460 Thank you. 90 00:06:22,540 --> 00:06:23,800 I appreciate it. 91 00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:24,320 Thank you. 92 00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:26,500 All right. 93 00:06:26,500 --> 00:06:26,940 All right. 94 00:06:27,080 --> 00:06:27,260 All right. 95 00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:27,380 All right. 96 00:06:27,380 --> 00:06:28,280 All right. 97 00:06:28,280 --> 00:06:28,900 All right. 98 00:06:38,900 --> 00:06:39,520 All right. 99 00:06:39,740 --> 00:06:41,840 All right. 100 00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:42,660 All right. 101 00:06:42,720 --> 00:06:43,320 All right. 102 00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:43,460 All right. 103 00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:43,960 All right. 104 00:06:46,140 --> 00:06:47,380 All right. 105 00:06:47,740 --> 00:06:48,680 All right. 106 00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:50,300 All right. 107 00:06:50,300 --> 00:06:51,320 All right.