1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:09,620 It's estimated that this year alone, over eleventy squillion people will die of COVID-related symptoms. 2 00:00:10,020 --> 00:00:13,240 And by COVID-related, it means that they will die. 3 00:00:13,500 --> 00:00:17,800 Scientists will relate them to COVID, and they will become COVID-related. 4 00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:26,980 Which is why we here at Merck are working furiously around the clock to protect profit margins and your health. 5 00:00:26,980 --> 00:00:53,640 For instance, one recent study from our own Cool Guy Super High Speed Fancy Pants Laboratory shows that wearing a mask can be beneficial, resulting in elevated levels of unearned virtue, Facebook likes, general social media acceptance, ability to buy and sell without being persecuted, higher social credit rating, as well as higher intake levels of carbon monoxide and facial schmutz. 6 00:00:53,640 --> 00:01:12,720 But what if mask wearing alone isn't enough? After all, we don't sell masks. We sell solutions. Solutions like vaccines, therapeutics, creating new IDs and passports, banning travel until you receive our vaccines, so that you can travel safely and freely. 7 00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:15,380 Want to buy baloney at your local quickie mart? 8 00:01:15,780 --> 00:01:23,020 Our new jab and grab program ensures that you get the food you need, just after you give us what we need. 9 00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:24,240 Which is your DNA? 10 00:01:24,780 --> 00:01:26,120 Jabby jabby, fat boy. 11 00:01:26,440 --> 00:01:34,680 Merck is proud to announce that we are now working with major banks and financial institutions with our new Get Merkt program, 12 00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:42,820 which allows you to receive funds anywhere in the world, just as soon as you provide proof of vaccination, for your convenience. 13 00:01:43,140 --> 00:01:44,840 Want to buy theater tickets online? 14 00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:46,020 Get Merkt. 15 00:01:46,300 --> 00:01:47,440 Restaurant reservations? 16 00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:48,860 Get Merkt. 17 00:01:49,060 --> 00:01:50,040 Escape to Panama? 18 00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:52,400 You guessed it. 19 00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:53,500 Jabby jabby. 20 00:01:53,500 --> 00:02:10,760 Enroll now and receive 50 bonus points with our Get Merkt rewards program, which you can use to redeem for special prizes, such as candles, food rations, sweet farm-raised free-range cockroach milk, and even carbon tax credit. 21 00:02:11,020 --> 00:02:12,460 So toot away, fatty. 22 00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:14,440 You earned that MRE. 23 00:02:14,780 --> 00:02:17,820 Our vaccine is already receiving rave reviews. 24 00:02:17,820 --> 00:02:22,300 I got vaccinated in January, and now I can't feel my face. 25 00:02:22,820 --> 00:02:24,240 I can't feel my face. 26 00:02:24,260 --> 00:02:25,120 That's great. 27 00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:26,040 Just sign here. 28 00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:29,940 I took the vaccine a few weeks ago, and now I can't move. 29 00:02:30,500 --> 00:02:34,040 I know it looks like I'm smiling, but I can't move my face. 30 00:02:34,560 --> 00:02:36,280 Do not take the vaccine. 31 00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:44,300 Here at Merkt, we strive to create products that are safe from liability, relatively effective, 32 00:02:44,300 --> 00:02:48,100 and highly expensive with no generic alternative. 33 00:02:48,860 --> 00:02:50,080 That's the Merkt promise. 34 00:02:50,640 --> 00:02:52,480 That's the Merkt guarantee. 35 00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:54,560 Unsurpassed quality. 36 00:02:54,920 --> 00:03:02,580 As a matter of fact, the only thing superior to a Merkt vaccine is your own immune system itself. 37 00:03:03,020 --> 00:03:04,200 But let's face it. 38 00:03:04,500 --> 00:03:08,700 Who's got time to maintain one of those when you can jabby jabby? 39 00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:09,960 Get Merkt. 40 00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:14,120 We're so confident in our vaccine that we've halted production. 41 00:03:14,300 --> 00:03:16,640 In exchange for alternative therapies. 42 00:03:16,940 --> 00:03:18,240 Because let's face it. 43 00:03:18,420 --> 00:03:20,340 You're probably sick with something. 44 00:03:20,660 --> 00:03:23,380 And we've got the cure laying around here somewhere. 45 00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:25,520 As for the unwanted vaccines? 46 00:03:25,920 --> 00:03:27,920 Well, we've always got Africa. 47 00:03:28,220 --> 00:03:31,340 So come discover what you can do for Merkt today. 48 00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:33,740 And what products may be right for you. 49 00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:35,160 Merkt. 50 00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:36,800 Jabby jabby. 51 00:03:37,380 --> 00:03:37,520 Bye. 52 00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:38,540 Bye. 53 00:03:38,540 --> 00:03:38,780 Bye. 54 00:03:38,780 --> 00:03:39,020 Bye. 55 00:03:39,020 --> 00:03:39,100 Bye. 56 00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:55,380 Bye. 57 00:03:55,380 --> 00:03:55,540 Bye. 58 00:03:55,540 --> 00:03:55,800 Bye. 59 00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:55,860 Bye. 60 00:03:55,860 --> 00:03:56,080 Bye. 61 00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:56,380 Bye. 62 00:03:56,980 --> 00:03:57,720 Bye. 63 00:03:57,760 --> 00:03:58,020 Bye. 64 00:03:58,020 --> 00:04:00,040 Bye. 65 00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:00,620 Bye. 66 00:04:00,620 --> 00:04:00,840 Bye. 67 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:01,960 Bye. 68 00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:02,440 Bye. 69 00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:02,480 Bye. 70 00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:02,840 Bye. 71 00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:02,940 Bye. 72 00:04:02,940 --> 00:04:03,060 Bye. 73 00:04:03,260 --> 00:04:03,960 Bye. 74 00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:04,400 Bye. 75 00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:04,820 Bye. 76 00:04:04,820 --> 00:04:04,960 Bye. 77 00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:05,300 Bye.