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Won't you join me in my brand new show, an educational program, with me, Andrew Cuomo.

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Let me work my way into your hearts with my personal stories and informative charts.

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It's the Governor Andrew Cuomo Rockin' Chart Show.

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Quick story.

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When I was a boy, I would watch Howdy Doody.

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One day I received a gift.

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It was a Howdy Doody Dove.

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It was my favorite toy to play with.

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Until the day I found something more fun to play with.

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My penis.

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Sit back, relax, and take me in.

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I'll entertain and teach you.

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That's a real win-win.

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It's the Governor Andrew Cuomo Rockin' Chart Show.

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We have fun, I show charts.

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Welcome.

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I want to start the show off by addressing the elephant in the room.

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Somebody touched my Emmy without asking.

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McConnell, was it you?

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I found slime on it.

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For God's sakes, apologize for assaulting that girl.

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Blah, blah, blah, blah.

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Okay.

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I'm embarrassed.

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I'm embarrassed.

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But for the record, her body was saying no, but her words were, please don't touch me.

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I said, relax.

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I'm merely trying to squeeze your head until it pops.

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Okay, let's look at a chart.

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Here is a chart of your grandmother's sexual attraction to me over the past year.

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We start off with a spike when I start to do my daily briefings.

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We then have another spike when I start to show charts.

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Here is a point where I killed a bunch of old people.

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Bit of a dip.

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Dead sexual assault claims.

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1, 2, 3, 5, 5, 6, etc.

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Okay, that is all the time we have today.

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Until next time, keep your head in the clouds and your eyes in the charts.

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Regrets.

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I've had a few.

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But then again, too few to mention.

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Quick story.

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My grandfather used to tuck his genitalia underneath himself.

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The front part looked like a lady.

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Confusing.

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One day, I walked in.